Here I sit…..six years on from what was a pivotal point in my life, and I have so much to be thankful for, yet so much to reflect upon.
Yet my stomach is in knots, and from the bellows of my soul cries a voice that was dying to be heard and felt on that momentous occasion.
The birth of our beautiful and inspiring light Ruby was a part of my life path that I chose. I firmly believe that….just as every single one of us in the this family played a part as we shuffled through the many possibilities of what our next life would bring in the heavenly realms. What challenges would we present ourselves with? What role did we each have in creating this life together? How will it all play out??
There are so many things looking back that all make sense to me now. Shortly after I had Ruby my thyroid blew out. I now know that to be the result of suppression of my true expression and voice in accepting the journey that I had indeed chosen (but had not remembered). My conscious mind told me over and over as I stared at the pink body snuggled up in the incubator in ICU that this was a “gift” and that we were “chosen”.
My conscious mind told me that I had to be strong, put on a brave face for society to accept this little bundle of perfect imperfection. The feelings were there like lava brewing….and volcanic ash waiting to spew, but the self preservation part of me kicked in and pushed those feelings down to the core of the earth and beyond. There was absolutely NO WAY that I was going to be spewing hot lava, or even giving the outside world even the slightest chance of any kind of sympathy card they thought they might play.
And here I sit six years on……realizing it was all an illusion….a trap in my own mind and my own misconceptions that didn’t allow me to just “be”, “flow”, and allow for a choice that clearly I had made. Had I allowed those emotions to flow and be the river that they so longed to be, then perhaps my thyroid would not have gone out of balance.
But life IS the epitome of ALL balance and where there is lack, there is abundance if we so choose to see it.
Having Ruby was probably one of the biggest gifts I will ever receive in this lifetime, and consciously I knew that at the time, that I cannot deny. Getting sick after having Ruby was probably the second biggest gift (in terms of life lessons) as it has pushed me past conventionalism into the fascinating world of healing and understanding the true essence of one’s soul and purpose.
It’s funny that this week I felt an incredibly strong urge subconsciously to stop taking my thyroxin, a conventional drug that regulates the thyroid hormone. Not taking it is like turning the switch off and hoping for the best. I am not quite sure what I was thinking as today my brain is foggy, my body aches, and my emotions are like a roller coaster. I can feel the toxins from the drug leaving my body, and as I replace it with a natural alternative that I hope will kick in sooner or later (I have faith…), I am liberated by a choice I made to let go and forgive myself for my not letting my true feelings show when I heard the words “Down Syndrome”!! I thought tonight that it was no coincidence that I did what I did this week by throwing away my medication. It was like a crutch to me in some ways….almost like clinging to the baby clothing that I had to part with in my clearing out this week while we prepare for our big overseas move.
It pushed me to the depths of my soul and transported me back to that time with the clearest vision to see that it’s time to move on. Time to heal and grow and to give thanks for the abundance that surrounds us in this beautiful life.
I see it every day around me…..and that is the gift I am given, not JUST from our precious Ruby but from the viewpoints of my other 2 children who enrich my life every day (even when I can’t clearly see it in that particular moment as I’m cleaning pee off the floor or finding our furniture “revamped” by marker pens!!), and from my own ability to pinpoint clarity from tuning into my own “soul receiver”.
And it is tomorrow that I will celebrate not just the birth of a child that has touched so many lives, but rather the GIFT in seeing those transformations, and in having “new eyes” to see even the smallest of blessings we have been given. It is with that vision that brings new opportunities, and the ability to adapt to any given environment and make the most of it.
There are many, many changes taking place for us at the moment, and things are moving so quickly that they change literally by the day!! We are still moving to Dubai but have decided that there is no better time than the present to go out into the big, wide world and explore while we have been handed the “gift” of opportunity that most people would dream of. We could sit and worry that our house is not sold….or that we don’t have a job in place in Dubai just yet….or even that my business is not firmly in place yet…..but instead, we choose to take the bull by the horns and head off to South America and Africa and see where it takes us!! We have a house full of “possessions” that are “heavy” and could easily lock us into thinking “We can’t do this….” , or we can sell up and “exchange” that solid energy for an experience so much richer and lighter.
After all, it’s all about energy, right? And if we can transform an idea or a feeling, we can transform the whole way we live our lives, right? Isn’t it worth at least giving it a try? What is the worst that can happen? Either we regret never running through that door that is so CLEARLY wide open for us right now, or we regret selling a piece of furniture that we feel we may never be able to buy again. The answer for me is just so crystal clear…
Indeed a “GIFT”!!!!
As I sit here and allow the knot in my stomach to settle, I can see it through “new eyes” and understand how pivotal March the 2nd 2006 really was. It was a time that started a process, almost like the slow and painful opening of a gift that was beautifully wrapped but I was so scared to open up. I tore those bits of paper off…..in tiny segments, not wanting to see the inner beauty (and I’m talking on a much grander scale that even stretches farther than Ruby’s birth) of what was placed before me.
Six years later, I am six years wiser, and six years stronger in accepting and knowing, and seeing life for what it truly is…….
Ruby, never can my heart be more stretched and open than you have allowed for. Thank you in pushing me (and sometimes exasperatingly so!!) to new heights of acceptance (in myself more than anything!), love, compassion, and forgiveness.
You are the greatest example of THE GIFT of life…….
Happy Birthday Sweet, Sweet girl!!!!!!
A collection of my favorite recent pics…..
Love, sweet love……..
Thank you with all the gratitude, insight and love in my heart. We are truly blessed!!